*photo above does not belong to me*
Ok, I know I said my next posts would be light hearted, I had my next blog posts ready for the week each with a different fun focus and I do have a fun cookie swap post coming tomorrow, BUT of course you can’t plan life and what I just went through was a stab in the heart, not once. TWICE. So I felt the need to share!
As you all read in my #SilentStruggle my husband and I went through a miscarriage at a little over 7 weeks. Awful, heartbreaking, never ending pain, and just when you think you’ve learned to deal with the pain, (I dealt with it by blogging!) BOOM something comes along just to remind you of the pain.
The past two days I was feeling great, putting my story out there, getting messages upon messages of support and people reaching out just to talk because they’ve felt alone in this situation.
Then my phone rang. It was my OBGYN office.. The office that had seen me THREE weeks prior to CONFIRM that my little bean of a baby had died and my uterus was completely empty. The office that saw the heartbreak in mine and my husbands eyes as the doctor went over things as when we can try again, when the bleeding (a constant reminder of our loss) would end. They were calling to CONFIRM MY 12 WEEK ULTRASOUND APPOINTMENT. My heart broke, I went numb again. With a golf ball sized lump in my throat, and placing my hand on my empt belly, I say “That appointment should have been cancelled” I get an I’m sorry and that was it. Tears welled in my eyes, and a flash back of my Doctor walking us out and CANCELING MY NEXT APPOINTMENT is all I can think of. Of course my daughter does something to make me smile and I just take a deep breath and say a prayer to my angel baby and move on.
Minutes later, MY PHONE RINGS AGAIN, THE SAME WOMAN REMINDING ME OF THE SAME 12 WEEK ULTRASOUND APPOINTMENT AGAIN. “You’ve got to be kidding me” I think. This time I snap. “You just called me! I told you that appointment was supposed to be canceled, I lost the baby.” I immediately hang up giving the careless receptionist no chance to answer me.
HOW! How does this happen?! I saw the doctor walk up to the receptionist that awful day, I heard her explain I would need no further appointments. I’m so angry, frustrated and hurt. I had to relive that pain (as if I don’t everyday anyway) because of some careless receptionist not doing her job the first time, and then again because the current receptionist that called me not paying attention when I told her it should’ve been canceled the first time. It’s so insensitive. You would think they would have certain measures to take in place so they DON’T call women who just miscarried about their 12 week ultra sound appointment!! I thank god I’m strong enough to deal with this in a healthy way. But I can’t help but wonder, what if I wasn’t the one to get the call. What if it was a mom who dealt with her pain in a different way, a harmful way, or who had server depression after ? What if?
I’m trying to make good out of this and think maybe that was my angel baby saying it’s watching over me and it’s still growing in my heart ❤️